Vipassana: from Torture to Liberation
Why mediation? Well, it's something to do. Without meaning to be facetious, if you have chronic fatigue, there are very few activities that you can actually do that don't lead to symptoms and are actually restorative. Apparently Napolean frequently mediated for short bursts to replace sleep.
I like a challenge and just about everything is off the table. Meditation is something M.E. sufferers may even have an advantage at: they're probably more adept at getting deranged with boredom than the average person.
For anyone who thought meditation was about 5 minutes peace, as it transpired, I got a lot more than I bargained for.
I expected there to be other foreigners at the centre, but not 9 women all with the same profile as me (5 even had blonde hair). 4 were from Holland, 1 from the UK, another from France and Turkey and 2 I didn't speak to before they told us to stop talking.
I realised this was serious when we were asked to hand in all reading and writing material as well as our phones. The timetable displayed that there would be 10 hours of meditation each day and you'd be up at 4am.
The rooms were simple but dirty, the people were all lovely (in actions not words) and the meditation hall was stunning with tiled flooring and French doors on each side of the hexagon.
The famous 10 day non-secular Vipassana course is free and run by volunteers (you can take it all over the world), apparently when people discover the secret to a serene mental life they want to share it with others.
Every day was unique:
Day 1 - Ruminating
I was told by someone who's completed the course elsewhere that you ruminate. I ruminated on work stress incessantly. We were meant to be sitting cross legged with our eyes closed focusing on our breath. Maximum breaths I managed in a row: 4. Endless clock watching.
Day 2 - Extreme discomfort
The ruminating had subsided and all you could feel was aches in your legs, boredom, heat, I kept falling asleep sitting cross-legged. I fell asleep at lunch time and one of the helpers came and got me and guided me back to the hall.
Day 3 - Trauma
Our teacher warned us, "that which is deeply rooted will today come out". Everyone was pretty pale, scratching their heads and cleaning everything possible at lunch time as they relived every big and little trauma ever experienced. Two of the group had disappeared by lunch time.
Day 4 - Vipassana
We we told to narrow our focus to the area between the nostrils and the upper lip. I managed to focus only by counting. 950 breaths in one hour... 850 breaths in the next hour...
In the evening lecture we were told our minds were clear and were now ready to start the vipassana technique. This involved trying to feel subtle sensations on each part of the body.
Day 5 - breakthrough
You start to feel subtle sensations everywhere like electricity. After a while you can move your awareness around and slosh jets of fuzzy vibrations everywhere.
Day 6 - high as a kite
...and suddenly you're a piece of debris bobbing on the ocean. You have no sensation, no memory, no direction. The sun is a white efulgent light.
Other visualisations come... Unicorns, fields of fruit and vegetables, the Hungry Caterpillar book.
Day 7 - the permanence of impermanence
Just as I was starting to think meditation was about getting as high as Coleridge was when he wrote in Xanadou did Kubla Khan, the teacher warned us we were only supposed to be feeling sensations and seeing how they come and go.
Day 8 - Equanimity
The philosophy is that all unhappiness comes from aversions or craving. Therefore in meditation whenever you experience a sensation or thought you must learn to have Equanimity - neither like nor dislike it - and don't allow cravings to develop. That's how we all came to be able to sit cross legged for 10 hours without moving or paying attention to hurting legs, passing time or lunch.
Day 9 - well and truly over it
I remembered the polar bear I saw in the zoo in Tokyo and no longer thought of him as "bored" but rather "tortured".
Day 10
When we could finally all talk again the raucous was surprising and even more so was the fact my brain had slightly forgotten how to compute thoughts into speech.
We watched an inspirational video about how Vipassana has reformed inmates in Indian prisons.
How does this manifest in normal life?
Well... A giant hornet flew out from a tree and instead of leaping out the way, I decided not to generate a feeling of aversion and calmly walked around it.
Mediation enables one to make clearer decisions, which is why it has become popular with CEOs of big companies.
For M.E. sufferers it's especially important to watch out for common mental pitfalls:
Depression - I feel ill (again)
Determinism - I will never get better
Panic - I feel really ill, maybe I have something else wrong with me
Negative thoughts send stress signals to the body and drain energy.
For the time being, my mind is pretty purified. I have no current or past cravings or aversions, except maybe ever meditating again, which is a shame because you have to keep practicing to maintain the results.
As an aside, you can also build new neural pathways when you're out and about. If you have a thought that's unhelpful, replace it with one that serves you more. After some time the brain builds a new habit pattern.
I have no doubt in the efficacy of the method, it is after all just extreme brain training, like I imagine officers in the army get in case they are captured by the Taliban. Our outlook is moulded all the time by our experiences and professions. For example, someone who has studied statistics will act slightly differently in situations to someone who has studied economics.
Strangely, after 101 hours of meditation, I would recommend the course to others. If you want an experience that is at once both beautiful and brutal. You experience that happiness comes from a calm mind, away from over-stimulation and you can take pleasure in small things. You experience a depth of the human mind and inner workings of the brain and come to almost disassociate from yourself. You learn that having a mind free from all noise is possible, reaching a blank space with only the sound of the monsoon rain shattering as it hits the roof of the meditation hall. You come away with a total reset, with increased confidence in your headspace and a blank canvas onto which you can control what exists there - if you're prepared to do the work that is.
I like a challenge and just about everything is off the table. Meditation is something M.E. sufferers may even have an advantage at: they're probably more adept at getting deranged with boredom than the average person.
For anyone who thought meditation was about 5 minutes peace, as it transpired, I got a lot more than I bargained for.
I expected there to be other foreigners at the centre, but not 9 women all with the same profile as me (5 even had blonde hair). 4 were from Holland, 1 from the UK, another from France and Turkey and 2 I didn't speak to before they told us to stop talking.
I realised this was serious when we were asked to hand in all reading and writing material as well as our phones. The timetable displayed that there would be 10 hours of meditation each day and you'd be up at 4am.
The rooms were simple but dirty, the people were all lovely (in actions not words) and the meditation hall was stunning with tiled flooring and French doors on each side of the hexagon.
The famous 10 day non-secular Vipassana course is free and run by volunteers (you can take it all over the world), apparently when people discover the secret to a serene mental life they want to share it with others.
Every day was unique:
Day 1 - Ruminating
I was told by someone who's completed the course elsewhere that you ruminate. I ruminated on work stress incessantly. We were meant to be sitting cross legged with our eyes closed focusing on our breath. Maximum breaths I managed in a row: 4. Endless clock watching.
Day 2 - Extreme discomfort
The ruminating had subsided and all you could feel was aches in your legs, boredom, heat, I kept falling asleep sitting cross-legged. I fell asleep at lunch time and one of the helpers came and got me and guided me back to the hall.
Day 3 - Trauma
Our teacher warned us, "that which is deeply rooted will today come out". Everyone was pretty pale, scratching their heads and cleaning everything possible at lunch time as they relived every big and little trauma ever experienced. Two of the group had disappeared by lunch time.
Day 4 - Vipassana
We we told to narrow our focus to the area between the nostrils and the upper lip. I managed to focus only by counting. 950 breaths in one hour... 850 breaths in the next hour...
In the evening lecture we were told our minds were clear and were now ready to start the vipassana technique. This involved trying to feel subtle sensations on each part of the body.
Day 5 - breakthrough
You start to feel subtle sensations everywhere like electricity. After a while you can move your awareness around and slosh jets of fuzzy vibrations everywhere.
Day 6 - high as a kite
...and suddenly you're a piece of debris bobbing on the ocean. You have no sensation, no memory, no direction. The sun is a white efulgent light.
Other visualisations come... Unicorns, fields of fruit and vegetables, the Hungry Caterpillar book.
Day 7 - the permanence of impermanence
Just as I was starting to think meditation was about getting as high as Coleridge was when he wrote in Xanadou did Kubla Khan, the teacher warned us we were only supposed to be feeling sensations and seeing how they come and go.
Day 8 - Equanimity
The philosophy is that all unhappiness comes from aversions or craving. Therefore in meditation whenever you experience a sensation or thought you must learn to have Equanimity - neither like nor dislike it - and don't allow cravings to develop. That's how we all came to be able to sit cross legged for 10 hours without moving or paying attention to hurting legs, passing time or lunch.
Day 9 - well and truly over it
I remembered the polar bear I saw in the zoo in Tokyo and no longer thought of him as "bored" but rather "tortured".
Day 10
When we could finally all talk again the raucous was surprising and even more so was the fact my brain had slightly forgotten how to compute thoughts into speech.
We watched an inspirational video about how Vipassana has reformed inmates in Indian prisons.
How does this manifest in normal life?
Well... A giant hornet flew out from a tree and instead of leaping out the way, I decided not to generate a feeling of aversion and calmly walked around it.
Mediation enables one to make clearer decisions, which is why it has become popular with CEOs of big companies.
For M.E. sufferers it's especially important to watch out for common mental pitfalls:
Depression - I feel ill (again)
Determinism - I will never get better
Panic - I feel really ill, maybe I have something else wrong with me
Negative thoughts send stress signals to the body and drain energy.
For the time being, my mind is pretty purified. I have no current or past cravings or aversions, except maybe ever meditating again, which is a shame because you have to keep practicing to maintain the results.
As an aside, you can also build new neural pathways when you're out and about. If you have a thought that's unhelpful, replace it with one that serves you more. After some time the brain builds a new habit pattern.
I have no doubt in the efficacy of the method, it is after all just extreme brain training, like I imagine officers in the army get in case they are captured by the Taliban. Our outlook is moulded all the time by our experiences and professions. For example, someone who has studied statistics will act slightly differently in situations to someone who has studied economics.
Strangely, after 101 hours of meditation, I would recommend the course to others. If you want an experience that is at once both beautiful and brutal. You experience that happiness comes from a calm mind, away from over-stimulation and you can take pleasure in small things. You experience a depth of the human mind and inner workings of the brain and come to almost disassociate from yourself. You learn that having a mind free from all noise is possible, reaching a blank space with only the sound of the monsoon rain shattering as it hits the roof of the meditation hall. You come away with a total reset, with increased confidence in your headspace and a blank canvas onto which you can control what exists there - if you're prepared to do the work that is.
Well done completing the 10 days! No mean feat...
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